The class is looking confused, we are on the home straight, class seems to have gone well but it’s always so hard to tell. I try again “From plow, roll your shoulders under, support your back with your hands and raise your legs up to vertical” Typical instructions for shoulder stand. The problem was I kept calling it bridge.
I roll out the time tested excuses of course. “It’s early I am still waking up’, “it’s been a long day” and they have their usual affect. Might as well have kept my mouth shut. Advice I should have given myself a little earlier.
Imagine that aliens have been monitoring planet earth for some time now. They have lived amongst us developing a deep understanding of our human nature. The English language was now fully within their grasp. It was time to move closer and begin to explore more of the culture on this planet. Yoga appears to be something popular throughout the globe. Important to a large cross section of the planets inhabitants. This would be their first foray into understanding humans at a deeper level
Being no larger than a small insect it was possible for them move about us unnoticed. The proverbial fly on the wall at any Yoga studio.
Alien #123232A reports back-
The purpose of these gatherings was not immediately clear. The mating ritual theory has to be abandoned. There is much that resembles the courtship rituals of other species on the planets. They are attended by the more physically fit of the species. The males often remove excess clothing to “strut their stuff” in front of overwhelming numbers of the opposite sex. However courtship does not appear to be the purpose of these Yoga gatherings.
For the longest time we believed that basic abilities were natural for humans, not something that had to be practiced and honed. One of the main purposes of a Yoga gathering is to learn how to breathe. This explains why it is practiced world wide in growing numbers. Listen to this recording from the start of a class of advanced practitioners.
“Take a big inhale…………exhale…………inhale…….”
“Breathe like Darth Vader.”
One startling discovery is that if a human is struggling with breath others can come to their rescue. Many times the command
“breathe for the person next to you”
Conclusion, Overtime humans forget how to breathe and have to be constantly reminded.
Note:. We have reviewed our basic understanding of the human anatomy and can find no evidence to support the notion that humans can actually breathe for each other much less the whole room which was also requested.
Use of language
The use of language in these gathering is complex. A combination of English and Sanskrit was observed. The instructors and students become so adept in both languages that often a sentence or even description of a pose will be described using elements of both languages. Our studies could not determine on what basis the language was selected. For example
A pose called “Pigeon” was always called “Pigeon” never Eka Pada Rajakapotasana
One theory advanced was that the shortest name was always used. However consider this simple example.
Reverse Namaste the full English translation is Reverse prayer, clearly shorter and with no need to switch languages half way through.
Conclusion: This is advanced training for humans looking become bilingual.
These humans are looking to advance their previously lost animal instincts. It starts with the establishment of territory. Each Yogi bring a mat to define their space. The gaps between the mats are then evenly distributed ensure that each yogi has the maximum amount of territory available to them for the given conditions. A late comer to the class can cause a ripple effect on the spacing which though some mysterious group calculation is immediately re-calibrated such that all mats are once again equally spaced. Is there some kind of advanced group mathematics at play here?
Once happy with the territory the real class begins. These Yogis believe they can transform their bodies in ways that conflict with our research Here are some excerpt to support the case
- “ground with all four corners of your feet” – research has shown most human feet do not have 4 corners
- “It’s an inner spiral, now apply an outer spiral” – our research suggest that spiraling the hips in and out at the same time is not anatomically possible
- “Breathe in through the right leg and out through the left.” – We can find no evidence to suggest that these humans can breath through either leg
- “Close your eyes to see more” – We are aware of the expression “eyes in the back of the head” but can find no examples of this in our research even amongst this special set.
- “Take in the whole room” – This command is odd. Nothing seems to happen after this command is issued.
So what is the real purpose of these gatherings?
The only conclusion we can draw is that these humans are not happy with their bodies abilities. They practice poses that remind them of animals and strive for what appears to be physically impossible. Being able to put both legs behind the head and walk around the room on their hands has been lost to all but a few, yet this select group dutifully attempts get closer to this feat on a daily basis.
So it is not clear what the purpose of these gatherings is. Other group gatherings for physical exercise appear to be much more demanding on the body. Only in Yoga though is it necessary to take a long rest at the end. There is clearly something unique and complex about these gatherings that we were unable to determine. As one teacher was heard to remark
“This is no small thing we do here”
The secret of Yoga remains with these Yogis. It seems the only way to find out what is going on is to join them.